Finally Positive! <3

The greatest feeling 🙂

Honestly, if someone told me a month ago that I’ll be this happy in the near future, I would have laughed at that impossibility. I was the most depressed person I knew in real life. Actually, I would say that in the final stages of my “former life” I was even becoming a bit lethargic. Then, I had an experience that changed my mind completely. If you asked how and what influenced me, I don’t think I could answer – it was as though my brain was chemically imbalanced and now it was finally OK.

And so, I entered a state of immense happiness that I couldn’t even handle at first. For the first time in many years I knew what it meant to be genuinely happy. It was as though I wanted to jump right out of my skin and experience everything all over again and all at once. From that day on, I was a completely different person. Well, I am still myself, but my focus shifted from negativity to positivity.

Finally, I started thinking about how I can make my life better, instead of why it sucks and why I’m such a loser. Now I’m confronted with new challenges, but I’m not afraid as I used to be. Sure, I’m still afraid of making bad decisions, but I know I’ll at least try to make a change for the better. Maybe some decisions will turn out to be the wrong ones, but I’m sure they too will teach me valuable lessons!

Quitting Smoking

Unfortunately, I am a smoker. I know…it’s filthy and disgusting, and I agree with you. That is the reason why I’ve tried to quit multiple times. I failed every time. What’s even worse, I’m not even a nicotine addict – just a smoking addict. I can go on days without lighting a single cigarette, or even wanting to, but as soon as I have a sip of beer or coffee, I panic if I don’t have cigarettes on me. There’s also another reason why I smoke, I think. You see, whenever I meet my friends I have this incredible urge to smoke. Without smoking, I’m no fun, nor am I amused by others. In fact, in the period of three months that I’ve stopped smoking, I didn’t have the need to meet anyone. Everyone seemed so boring and being in a coffee shop with friends was the last thing I wanted to do.

Lately, I’ve started contemplating quitting again, although I’m having great difficulties dissing this terrible habit. I’m also somewhat depressed, which often stops me from caring about my well-being. Up until a minute ago I was in a very poor mental state. Then, I poured myself a beer and lit a cigarette. Now, I feel fine. In fact, I even gathered enough willpower and motivation to start writing this. This makes me think I probably have a problem, if not more than just one. When I’m enthusiastic and in a general positive mood, I don’t want to smoke. At those times I feel I might never light up a cigarette again. Then comes the moral downfall and I couldn’t care less if I get lung cancer.

I’ve just finished my cigarette and drank my beer and I feel my motivation coming to an end. When I started writing this I really felt like I had something important to say…Now, I don’t feel like writing anymore…Maybe I’ll come back to this once I have another beer ready.

Eternal cynic

Well, I’m finally at that stage where I’m Googling things like “how to stay positive when nothing’s going m

sadness

Sadness

y way”. If you knew me, you’d think this is pretty hilarious. I’m the biggest pessimist there is and I absolutely despise self-help books/magazines/meetings etc. Sure enough, the first thing that popped up on Google gave me some pretty unhelpful advice. “Accept who you are, surround yourself with positive energy, do a nice deed…”. Oh my God, do these articles actually help anyone? They are so general that anyone could write it. Honestly, even I could write a piece of crap about “staying positive and focusing on the good things in your life”. Yeah, thanks, ’cause I haven’t tried that already…I need concrete help, not some mumbo jumbo a la The Secret. If I’m not the definition of a cynic, I don’t know who is.

I’m a hypocrite as well. And also one of the most confused people I’ve ever known. Sometimes my beliefs are so strong it seems nothing could tear them down. At other times, I’m so weak and change my mind left and right so I end up feeling nothing at all. Well, if anyone’s reading my posts, I couldn’t possibly think what you could be gaining from it. What advice do I have? What wisdom can I share? None.

I don’t like calling myself depressed. I am that bastard of a person who thinks there is no such thing as depression. Especially the one that “has” to be treated with medication. But, I use that word often to describe how I’m feeling because I don’t know what other word to use…Once again I turned to my friend Google and I wanted to see how does one check whether or not he/she is depressed. It turns out you can’t. The “symptoms of depression” are so general that anyone could think they’re clinically depressed by looking at them. But, I assumed I was anyway, and I went to see how to help oneself when feeling depressed. I liked this article. Even though I already tried these things and wasn’t very happy with the long term results, I can say the advice shared there is actually helpful. At least short-term. Anything is better than nothing, right? I found that keeping yourself busy really does help with feelings of sadness and hopelessness. The tricky part is always actually taking the first step. Getting dressed and getting out the door is always the hardest thing for me. But, once I’m out in the sunlight, I actually do feel somewhat better, at least for a little while. However, tomorrow is the same story as the day before. So I have to do the same routine day in, day out. Most of the time I don’t feel like it, though. But, you have to keep trying…I guess.

Positive…negative

I remember when I was younger a lot of things got to me. Wars, poverty, injustice, hate…I don’t mean it got to me like it did other people. I mean I would break down and cry every single time I would even think of something like that. I actually remember when I started changing (it wasn’t that long ago). It was my sophomore year in college and I remember that was one of the very last times I really got suicidal about someone else’s unhappiness or misery. Since then I can’t say I stopped caring about these things but rather that I stopped caring about ALL things. Before, when I was interested in something I would do it, no matter the time required. Now, I am a class A procrastinator. On top of that, I also lose interest in things too fast. My initial motivation is through the roof and I feel like I’ve finally found something that could make me happy. That state lasts for about…well, it lasts for that WHOLE day (lol). By tomorrow I’ve already lost interest. I do it still, but I don’t really WANT to. I must sound like a moron. Well, maybe I am one, someone’s gotta fill that role too! I guess what I’m asking myself is why did I stop caring about things and why can’t I just be happy and satisfied. You know how people say “If I could just have this…then…”. Yeah, that’s bull. Not only am I not happy once I get it but I’m not even aware that I’m unhappy. It’s only recently that I noticed I am NEVER happy or satisfied. Of course, other people had to point that out and once they did I was shocked. Now I don’t want to do anything anymore because everything seems futile…What am I doing things for if they’re not going to fulfill me in the end? Help.

What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?

Baby Jane and Blanche

Ok, since my blog is obviously about random, unrelated things, I’ll add another one – a movie review. Well, not so much a review as a rant ( 😀 ) but I just can’t help it! I’ve seen it last night and I was sooo disappointed. 😩

I wanted to watch this movie because I was looking for an exciting psychological thriller and I like to go back to the older movies as they often proved to be excellent in this particular genre. Baby Jane felt like it will be exactly what I was looking for. However, I was deeply disappointed.

First off, I love Bette Davis (Jane) and Joan Crawford (Blanche). Nonetheless, their characters really got on my nerves because they were so over the top, both of them. Bette with the excessive “crazy person” look and Joan with the excessively polite person behavior. The movie wasn’t thrilling at all – it’s more of a drama than anything else. I don’t think there was one moment that held me on the edge of my seat, except maybe the one where  Blanche is trying to get to the phone downstairs. At the same time, though, I was irritated by it. Every time Jane would go out to run errands she would be away for a long period of time, giving Blanche enough time to seek help in many ways. Yet all she did in that time was one or two activities like eating candy or trying to get down the stairs. What, this took her hours? I know she was in a wheelchair but come on! If you’re afraid for your life you’ll frickin’ drag your body down the stairs if you have to. And you’ll do that as soon as your abuser left the house, too.

Another thing that really irritated me was Blanche’s complete incompetence. What, she couldn’t scream out the window when she saw the neighbor? She couldn’t throw things out to get somebodies attention? It’s not like they were living in the woods, away from all forms of civilization. Imagine you’re being held captive in your own house and you manage to get to the phone AND call for assistance. Would yo beat around the bush or scream “come help me right now, my sister is crazy! Come NOW!!!”?

For me, the whole movie is totally unbelievable. I don’t blame the actresses but the director, producers and scriptwriters. The movie’s full of plot holes and poorly executed storyline. That’s why I give it a 6/10 rating.

Acknowledge the problem

Ok, I’ve been in London for a full month now. I came here to attend an acting class, considering there are none in my home country. Before I got here, I had hoped I’ll bring myself a tiny bit closer to the film industry. However, that did not happen and I’ll tell you why. In order to get something you want, you have to work for it. The problem with me is that I obviously don’t want to work for anything in life, or I’m scared. I don’t know which of these terrifies me the most: am I a coward or a slob? Which would you prefer?

Anyway, I’m leaving in about a week and it just now occurred to me that I could have at least looked for some independent or student films to audition for or find work as an extra for a movie or a TV show. Of course, I did NOT do that; instead, I sat at home and wondered what I’m going to do in between Saturdays when my classes were. Now, when I reflect on my month’s stay here in one of the greatest cities in the world (imo) I really can’t be anything other than disappointed. In myself, that is.

But, there is one silver lining to my stay here. I really, really worked hard to become a better person. I know, it sound ridiculous but it’s true. I had A LOT of free time here to just sit with my thoughts and figure out what kind of a person I am vs. what kind of a person I want to be. That is another reason why I came here. I needed a break from my life and from certain people in it, and this was the perfect opportunity to put some things in order (in my head). As a result, I think I’ve become more relaxed, less irritated by what would normally irritate me, and I’ve become a tiny bit more optimistic. I say this because I realized today that I’m not as upset about the notion of being a coward and a slob as my old self would be. I would normally start crying and fall into deep depression realizing I’ll never change and will always be a failure in life. Instead, I feel confident about learning something valuable on my trip: go to auditions next time. I’ll try and come back here as fast as I can save enough money to support myself here again without anyone’s help (unlike this time). Next time then, I hope I really will try hard to make my dreams come true.

I feel…

Stressed out, that’s how I feel. I’m 24 and unemployed, I hate my chosen career but I’m not good at anything else. In fact, I’m not very good in my field of “expertise” either. That may have something to do with me hating it. When did I become unqualified for life? I really don’t see myself heading anywhere positive within the next couple of months so I really have nothing to look forward to. Everything I do I feel is not good enough…maybe I should just try harder. I envy people with infinite sources of positivity. I wish I was one of them. I’ve been stagnating for so long that now, when I want to do something with my life, I don’t think there’s anything I can offer to the world. If only I could turn back time…I would do so many things differently.