Eternal cynic

Well, I’m finally at that stage where I’m Googling things like “how to stay positive when nothing’s going m

sadness

Sadness

y way”. If you knew me, you’d think this is pretty hilarious. I’m the biggest pessimist there is and I absolutely despise self-help books/magazines/meetings etc. Sure enough, the first thing that popped up on Google gave me some pretty unhelpful advice. “Accept who you are, surround yourself with positive energy, do a nice deed…”. Oh my God, do these articles actually help anyone? They are so general that anyone could write it. Honestly, even I could write a piece of crap about “staying positive and focusing on the good things in your life”. Yeah, thanks, ’cause I haven’t tried that already…I need concrete help, not some mumbo jumbo a la The Secret. If I’m not the definition of a cynic, I don’t know who is.

I’m a hypocrite as well. And also one of the most confused people I’ve ever known. Sometimes my beliefs are so strong it seems nothing could tear them down. At other times, I’m so weak and change my mind left and right so I end up feeling nothing at all. Well, if anyone’s reading my posts, I couldn’t possibly think what you could be gaining from it. What advice do I have? What wisdom can I share? None.

I don’t like calling myself depressed. I am that bastard of a person who thinks there is no such thing as depression. Especially the one that “has” to be treated with medication. But, I use that word often to describe how I’m feeling because I don’t know what other word to use…Once again I turned to my friend Google and I wanted to see how does one check whether or not he/she is depressed. It turns out you can’t. The “symptoms of depression” are so general that anyone could think they’re clinically depressed by looking at them. But, I assumed I was anyway, and I went to see how to help oneself when feeling depressed. I liked this article. Even though I already tried these things and wasn’t very happy with the long term results, I can say the advice shared there is actually helpful. At least short-term. Anything is better than nothing, right? I found that keeping yourself busy really does help with feelings of sadness and hopelessness. The tricky part is always actually taking the first step. Getting dressed and getting out the door is always the hardest thing for me. But, once I’m out in the sunlight, I actually do feel somewhat better, at least for a little while. However, tomorrow is the same story as the day before. So I have to do the same routine day in, day out. Most of the time I don’t feel like it, though. But, you have to keep trying…I guess.

Positive…negative

I remember when I was younger a lot of things got to me. Wars, poverty, injustice, hate…I don’t mean it got to me like it did other people. I mean I would break down and cry every single time I would even think of something like that. I actually remember when I started changing (it wasn’t that long ago). It was my sophomore year in college and I remember that was one of the very last times I really got suicidal about someone else’s unhappiness or misery. Since then I can’t say I stopped caring about these things but rather that I stopped caring about ALL things. Before, when I was interested in something I would do it, no matter the time required. Now, I am a class A procrastinator. On top of that, I also lose interest in things too fast. My initial motivation is through the roof and I feel like I’ve finally found something that could make me happy. That state lasts for about…well, it lasts for that WHOLE day (lol). By tomorrow I’ve already lost interest. I do it still, but I don’t really WANT to. I must sound like a moron. Well, maybe I am one, someone’s gotta fill that role too! I guess what I’m asking myself is why did I stop caring about things and why can’t I just be happy and satisfied. You know how people say “If I could just have this…then…”. Yeah, that’s bull. Not only am I not happy once I get it but I’m not even aware that I’m unhappy. It’s only recently that I noticed I am NEVER happy or satisfied. Of course, other people had to point that out and once they did I was shocked. Now I don’t want to do anything anymore because everything seems futile…What am I doing things for if they’re not going to fulfill me in the end? Help.