Acknowledge the problem

Ok, I’ve been in London for a full month now. I came here to attend an acting class, considering there are none in my home country. Before I got here, I had hoped I’ll bring myself a tiny bit closer to the film industry. However, that did not happen and I’ll tell you why. In order to get something you want, you have to work for it. The problem with me is that I obviously don’t want to work for anything in life, or I’m scared. I don’t know which of these terrifies me the most: am I a coward or a slob? Which would you prefer?

Anyway, I’m leaving in about a week and it just now occurred to me that I could have at least looked for some independent or student films to audition for or find work as an extra for a movie or a TV show. Of course, I did NOT do that; instead, I sat at home and wondered what I’m going to do in between Saturdays when my classes were. Now, when I reflect on my month’s stay here in one of the greatest cities in the world (imo) I really can’t be anything other than disappointed. In myself, that is.

But, there is one silver lining to my stay here. I really, really worked hard to become a better person. I know, it sound ridiculous but it’s true. I had A LOT of free time here to just sit with my thoughts and figure out what kind of a person I am vs. what kind of a person I want to be. That is another reason why I came here. I needed a break from my life and from certain people in it, and this was the perfect opportunity to put some things in order (in my head). As a result, I think I’ve become more relaxed, less irritated by what would normally irritate me, and I’ve become a tiny bit more optimistic. I say this because I realized today that I’m not as upset about the notion of being a coward and a slob as my old self would be. I would normally start crying and fall into deep depression realizing I’ll never change and will always be a failure in life. Instead, I feel confident about learning something valuable on my trip: go to auditions next time. I’ll try and come back here as fast as I can save enough money to support myself here again without anyone’s help (unlike this time). Next time then, I hope I really will try hard to make my dreams come true.