Positive…negative

I remember when I was younger a lot of things got to me. Wars, poverty, injustice, hate…I don’t mean it got to me like it did other people. I mean I would break down and cry every single time I would even think of something like that. I actually remember when I started changing (it wasn’t that long ago). It was my sophomore year in college and I remember that was one of the very last times I really got suicidal about someone else’s unhappiness or misery. Since then I can’t say I stopped caring about these things but rather that I stopped caring about ALL things. Before, when I was interested in something I would do it, no matter the time required. Now, I am a class A procrastinator. On top of that, I also lose interest in things too fast. My initial motivation is through the roof and I feel like I’ve finally found something that could make me happy. That state lasts for about…well, it lasts for that WHOLE day (lol). By tomorrow I’ve already lost interest. I do it still, but I don’t really WANT to. I must sound like a moron. Well, maybe I am one, someone’s gotta fill that role too! I guess what I’m asking myself is why did I stop caring about things and why can’t I just be happy and satisfied. You know how people say “If I could just have this…then…”. Yeah, that’s bull. Not only am I not happy once I get it but I’m not even aware that I’m unhappy. It’s only recently that I noticed I am NEVER happy or satisfied. Of course, other people had to point that out and once they did I was shocked. Now I don’t want to do anything anymore because everything seems futile…What am I doing things for if they’re not going to fulfill me in the end? Help.

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I feel…

Stressed out, that’s how I feel. I’m 24 and unemployed, I hate my chosen career but I’m not good at anything else. In fact, I’m not very good in my field of “expertise” either. That may have something to do with me hating it. When did I become unqualified for life? I really don’t see myself heading anywhere positive within the next couple of months so I really have nothing to look forward to. Everything I do I feel is not good enough…maybe I should just try harder. I envy people with infinite sources of positivity. I wish I was one of them. I’ve been stagnating for so long that now, when I want to do something with my life, I don’t think there’s anything I can offer to the world. If only I could turn back time…I would do so many things differently.